Top Ten Ways You'll Die If You Live in Camelot
by Harper Rose Mitchell
Summary: A civilians guide to staying alive in Camelot. Its harder tan it looks, especially for your average peasants.


**A/N: I had nothing to write, and I was watching Merlin, so this happened. I don't know. I honestly don't. I know this seems like it was written in second person, but I'm really just addressing citizens of Camelot, so try not to get on my case about it, ok? If you like this, you really need to read "So You Want to Move to Camelot?" It's hilarious, and so true.**

Top Ten Ways You May Get Killed If You Live In Camelot

1. Shady Happenings– Yes, citizens, this really is how many of you meet your demise. Although apparently all of you will swear loyalty to no one but King Arthur, quite a few of you have been involved in various shady dealings, typically involving the death of none other than your beloved King. Citizens of Camelot have proven to be quite stealthy and clever when it comes to being a complete backstabbing traitor, but none of you ever seem to have the brains to look ahead and realize that no sooner is the job done than you are stabbed, bludgeoned, fed to various wild animals, shot, hit over the head with a heavy object or run threw with a sword. On top of that, you don't even get a decent burial! Gaius usually finds you in a ditch somewhere, performs a makeshift Medieval autopsy, and then crams various vital organs into jars as Merlin muses over your mysterious death. Lesson of the story? If someone calls to you from a dark alley or tavern, smile, wave, and keep walking.

2. Plague– Ok, poor citizens, I will admit it, this one isn't entirely your fault. That greenish water crawling with worms just looked so tasty, who could resist? Some of the wiser ones of you will pass up that criminally insane mastermind plotting the downfall of the Pendragons for a nice, normal plague. How lovely. You'd think that by now you'd know better, but just in case you were raised by wolves, here are a few pointers– if they are foaming at the mouth, sweating mysteriously, having a seizure, coughing up blood, turning all the colors of the rainbow, or wheezing hysterically as their eyes bulge, DO NOT hug, squeeze, kiss, prod, tap, poke, shake hands with, grope, grab, snog, bro fist, and/or high five them. This most likely will result in probable death within 24 hours, and your burial in a mass grave with other common peasants under you, next to you, or even on top of you, like that neighbor Bob who you always pretend like you're deaf around, hiding in your house and saying things like "No able englais!" as he scratches his head. Maybe though, you'll luck out and get cremated, with your ashes scattered in the streets of Camelot where the sewage runs. Yeah. Don't drink the water in Camelot.

3. Wild Animal Attacks– These happen quite often in Camelot, which is apparently the safest place in the land. There's not much you poor residents can do except hide in your cellars with those turnips nobody wants to eat and hope that "Cukoocloctopus" thing Merlin found in some dusty book can't smell fear. Unfortunately, these beast are usually invincible, breathe fire, and like deep fried human. Who cares what Merlin says, that griffin ain't goin' nowhere til it's stuffed itself with some yummy civilians, so your best bet is to keeps some holy water and a big stick (preferably branch) with you at all times. And whatever anybody says, there is NO GOOD REASON for you to be wandering the streets at night, unless of course you're a serial killer, Merlin, or you have a death wish. Just stay indoors, and you'll last a day in Camelot.

4. Morgana Takes Over– Speaking of staying indoors, make sure to outfit your front door with a nice, big, 80 pound lock for the many times Morgana has had enough of Camelot's bull and takes over the city (quite easily). Every single time that lady takes over, you citizens decide the war torn city is perfect for an afternoon stroll, usually leading to your quick death by Morgana's Armed Buffoons she prefers to call "soldiers". A good plan is to have a bag packed at all times, mostly full of weapons and heavy/ sharp objects, for those multiple "oh-crap-look-who's-back-get-the-kids-and run-for-the hills" moment. If Morgana asks for your opinion on her lovely new crown, the proper response is "It compliments your eyes", not "LONG LIVE THE KING!" And don't pick fights! Morgie's henchman are just itching to kill some peasants, so lay low until the knights take back your kingdom (again).

5. Sorcery– Look, my one opinion on this topic is "Darwinism". The first few months of the Great Purge you had an excuse, but now? It's been a few decades, which leads me to question why you still have no problem holding "Wizard Pride" block parties as Uther guillotines your fellow sorcerers down the street. Sorry guys, but until one of you finally, successfully, bumps old Uther off, the druid fests will have to wait. Of course you should be proud of who you are, but there's a difference between being confident and being the village idiot who's life is eventually ended through an unfortunate accident caused by his own nearsighted stupidity. Don't be that idiot. Put up the broomstick.

6. Midnight Strolls– If you haven't already realized, walking outside in the DAYLIGHT in Camelot is dangerous, so why in Dragoon's beard would you think it was a cool idea for a date to walk through the alleyways of the city at night? One minute you're proposing, the next minute your girlfriend since birth is trail mix for some creature that looks the child of Gaius and Uther. If you're a guard, no mat ter how many people you have to bribe with food or money, make bloody sure you don't get the night shift. Do you know how many people die on that job? Don't even bother asking if snacks are allowed on duty, heck, you ARE the snack! Tell them you need your beauty sleep and that you'll spend the evening painting their toenails instead. Hey, better life than dignity. Make sure they know you take requests for the designs, and you can do a topless Prince Arthur on the big toe.

7. Illegal Employment– Yes, I realize it appears I hit on this earlier, but in this case, its not so much death by your employer as death by your King. No matter how many riches they promise, civilians, know in your hearts you'll never see a penny of it 'cuz you'll be six feet under. Screw "Young, Wild. & Free", being an assassin isn't too exciting when you're killed by a sidekick as the main hero battles your boss while dramatic music plays (all that played for you was the pathetic trombone). And think for a second– not only will you be killed in three seconds, but if you're on a horse your ninja-wear-clad body will be dragged through the sewage of Camelot as your horse runs like Gwaine to a tavern.

8. Guarding the Prison– This is by far the dumbest way you can die. If you're a male in Camelot, don't even send in an application for this job. They're so desperate to get volunteers, they'll probably hire you, even if you're only experience is attacking the cookie jar. You may be thinking that all you have to do is threaten servants with swords and play poker with your fellow guards, but don't underestimate how badly servants want to gawk at inmates or consult with dangerous animals such as dragons. If you do get the job, quit IMMEDIATELY if– your dice sprouts legs and runs away, your fellow guard mentions a strange smell and you start to get woozy, you hear a whistling noise above you, like some thing heavy crashing down at sonic speeds, or you wonder if you're the only one who can see the danc ing neon unicorn. Just quit while you still can.

9. Gauntlet Fun– Yeah, yeah, yeah. Honor, nobility, and willingness to die for incredibly idiotic rea sons. The three things that make an excellent knight. I understand loyalty, but if the stupid prince wants to pick up the dang gauntlet that that mysterious zombie thing threw down– LET HIM. He'll survive, he survives everything. But although he may be "immortal", you my dear civilian knight, are not, and will die in a very embarrassing, un-romantic way, and you won't even get to say "I vill be back!" before you collapse. You'll just die and then Arthur will fight and win. Don't fight. Pick it up with a stick or something and hand it to your wonderful prince. He'll thank you later.

10. Horrible Hospitality– Learn your lesson from that first poor girl who lost her life in the first epi sode just for delivering flowers. Chances are, citizens, if they're visiting Camelot and staying in the castle, they plan on killing someone before they leave. Don't be that person. Stay the heck away from them. If you're a servant and get assigned to their room, come in, make their bed, and LEAVE. No matter how loud those mysterious noises in the wardrobe may get, DO NOT SNOOP AROUND. They'll find you, and next thing you know…..I'm sorry. I just can't. Something terrible will happen, let's just leave at that. And you will forever be known as "That poor soul who got hmmhmmm *whispers something terrible.*" Don't make conversation. They don't care about your two year old's King Uther imitation or your cat's musical abilities. They'll probably kill you for just being annoying.


End file.
